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l hate my scales l hardly eat anything and it seems like the supid scales just dont move, but you are not beating me scales l will force you to move by eating less and less, you dont rule me l rule you! lts so annoying when this happens but l hate food anyway plus l have lost my apetite, so eventually l will be thin! hope you are all doing well! 

Jun. 10th, 2007

Hi l felt so very angry today it was so overwelming but at least l didnt take it out on anyone!  l binged for a few days as l felt quite sad and emotional but hope to be on track tomorrow!

May. 31st, 2007

Today was a better day felt more in control of my emotions and knew that forgiving and forgetting is part of making my future better, l am not the sort of person who likes taking revenge, l cant be mean to people but coz my confidence is growing l feel morenoticable, l dont feel invisable anymore!  l dont know what the future holds but l am excited as l am on a road that leads to happiness!  l am also so happy with my eating, my shopping is coming tomorrow and l have lots of healthy stuff coming like strawberries and spinach!
A new day and l feel more focused and in control of my feelings and emotions, l am looking forwards to fitting in my clothes and wearing make up and jewellery and of coarse the next step is going out that front door for a walk as l havnt left the house for 10 years now!  So there are alot of changes to occur but its all linked to my confidence and a little to my weight loss, l need to lose another 4 lbs to fit into my clothes, meaning to be able to do up the zip!  l reckon l could lose that in one to two weeks as lm on my period now so cant really get an accurate weight yet! l will weigh myself monday to see how lm getting on!  still feel fat and cant notice a change in the mirror in my weight but l am determined not to panic coz if l panic l binge! no no no !

lt was a hard day as l felf very emotional and my sister rang and she was emotional, lts hard when you remember hurtful things from the past that people you love have done, and because it is in the past you have to let it go!   but before l can let it go l like to let out all the feelings of hurt by writing it down and then l have to forgive and forget, to deal with the future! So diary you mean so much to me as this is where l put the past to rest and place my anger here and leave it here!  l feel like screaming as l have to build my confidence right from the start, it seems like an impossible task! l dont seem to be making the progress l want but then l maybe my confidence is growing but l just dont see it clearly!  l have to stay focused and strong its a bit like building a wall, brick by brick! l am happy with the eating part of my life as l hav gone of food and l am always craving for the joy of being in control of what l eat, as it is the only thing l feel l hav control of at the moment!  l hope the weight is dropping off quickly but if not even if it takes time l will wait, also helping others has been a great joy to me on anorexicqueen, and also having their beautiful support!  lm not so angry now as l have let my feeelings out without hurting anyone!

May. 29th, 2007

l feel so angry so l think its a good idea if l just let it out here, l feel like a fool to hav let people treat me with no respect and try and control me, enough is enough no more am l going to just let people bully me!
Firstly my mother, who does she think she is!  Just coz shes my mum doesnt mean she can bully me and get away with it, she bullys everyone she knows and they just end up having nothing to do with her!  l dont want to cut her out of my life completely but l do want her to stop telling me how to live my life!  She has written me one of her famous letters and l am not even going to read it, it is going in the bin!  lf only she knew the suffering she has bought into my life, she practically destoyed me, only coz l had no confidence!   Why would a mother even try and destroy her child, why would she not listen to me instead of ignoring me?   l hav had enough of being her doormat from today it stops, l am taking back control of my life and not letting anyone bully me anymore!  My confidence is growing, lm not prepared to be invisable anymore, l hav a personality and l deserve respect from everyone!  Yes l am taking back control over my life and my eating1  l dont understand why these people are so intested in controling my life when they cant even control the food they eat or the drink!  l am the one who will end up slim and pretty and in complete control of my life!

l am also annoyed at my phone company as they hav messed  up everything over the past few months, they better sort it out otherwise l am going to send in a formal complaint! enough is enough!

Today was quite hard as l did feel quite hungry but l was good as l filled up on low calorie foods, l prefer the days l am not hungry at all and that is most days but these odd few days are the days l can be tempted to binge!  Alot is going on in my life emotionally but l am managing to not get depressed, l hav a weigh in on friday so l hope l lose some weght for that! l am pleased with the control part of this as l dont like not being in control of what l put into my mouth!  Well l hav sat up now for 13 days tomorrow will be 2 weeks and also my confidence is growing every day as l am working on it! lt will be interesting how long it takes me to be able to wear clothes again and make up and ear rings, l hope its not long but of coarse it is tied to losing weight as l need to be able to fit in my clothes so l probably need to get to eight and a half stone which is 117 lbs, l am, 121 lbs which is a 4 to 5 lbs loss! l hopt to be this weight as soon as possible maybe a week or two! l need to exercise more but thought l would include dancing in my routine! l dont no where having confidence will take me or how it will change my life but coz l hav never really had it its all new!  l am also hopeful to see a change in my sons life soon coz of my faith! l need to learn l cant trust my mum with personal, emotional stuff as she just takes control and upsets me!  Never again!
Please someone help, l feel so angry , l really really do! What gives people the write to think they can control my life, my father contolled my childhood by phyically abusing me when ever he felt like it, my mother is still trying to control my life by insisting l hav demons, or by just trying to interfer with every area of my life, my boyfriend is always trying to contol me, where can l go where people wont try and take control of MY life. The only area left in my life for me to take control is my eating and they wont even let me hav that! Why am l born if everyone wants to live my life for me, l mind my own buisness why cant people mind theirs! My mum says its coz she loves me she tells me what to do but l dont believe that, thats just an excuse, really she just wants to rule my life. lm so angry girls, you are the only people who treat me with respect, no wonder it means so much to me to control what goes in my mouth coz l feel l have no control at all and l just feel like screaming! They cant take this away from me, they dont care if l get fat but l do and its not just the weight it definitely is l only hav food left to control, its so sad but lm sure some of you feel the same, but l am going to grow in confidence and stick up for myself, love you all xxx

May. 25th, 2007

Well its my bed time, what a strange few days as stuff has been coming out of my heart that l didnt no was there, emotional stuff, it has been positive though even though it was quite painful as l had to face myself and see that l was just being what everyone wanted me to be to be accepted and loved by them at the cost of sacraficing my whole life for them!  what is up with me that l always feel i have to become invisable so others around can feel good about themselves and not be threatened by me?  That had become my life being invisable, being ignored, hiding like a scared naked peron, in shame even though l have done nothing wrong! why are people always trying to change me, my mum and dad tryed, my school friends tryed my boyfriends tryed the most!  l want to be me now, l dont want to hide, l want to be noticed as there is nothing wrong with me, l am pretty and sexy so i hav to imbrace it, instead of trying to hide it, why am l dressing down, not wearing make up and ear rings, why am l walking arond in rags as others around me dress to impress, l am worth just as much as them, why do they want me to give up my beauty and confidence for them, so they can feel good about themselves!  l cant do it anymore lv spend my life letting people bully me and strip me of everything i have! l have had enough, l am not going to sacrafice my life for them, jesus is the only person who needed to do that, l wont be a human sacrifice.  l hav lost myself l dont know who l am anymore and now l hav to work at getting my confidence back, so this is where lm at at the moment helping my confidence grow! l am confident, my confidence is growing!